Tell the missus Saturday night's sorted: It's Messi v Ronaldo. One day you'll tell the grandchildren about them.

All-white chalk & red-and-blue cheese

Right, drop whatever it is you’re doing Saturday night. Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo are on the box. Together. The Flea and CR7. Our goalden gods of the electronic age. The miracle workers of our times. One day, circa 2032, we will be able to look back and tell our grand-children: I was alive and spellbound when those two were ripping up record books.

Apparently impervious to injury or exhaustion, they are red-and-blue cheese and all-white-on-the-night chalk: one a tiny Argentine with twinkling toes who needed growth hormone therapy to reach 1.69m (5ft 7in), the other a Portuguese colossus, 1.86m (6ft 1in), and capable of sheer perfection.

They have dominated the best league in the world for three years, two foreigners inspiring a football-fuelled nation which currently boasts both the World Cup and European Championship. Though Messi and Barcelona have had the edge, Ronaldo and Real Madrid are threatening an astonishing comeback this season.

On Tuesday night, CR7 and Real went to Bayern Munich in their Champions League semi-final first leg. Jose Mourinho’s men lost 2-1 to a late Mario Gomez strike but that Mesut Ozil away goal – made by Ronaldo - should see them safely through to the final with the second leg at the Bernebeu.

On Wednesday, Messi and Barca lost 1-0 at Chelsea – for once the Flea, though dangerous, failed to score as the Spaniards hit the woodwork twice and succumbed to an oft-inspired but oft-tumbling Didier Drogba. You still wouldn’t bet against an All-Spanish final in Munich come May.

The fact that neither Messi nor Ronaldo managed a goal this week has been widely highlighted. But their unexpected blanks will only serve to heighten expectation on Saturday night at the Nou Camp, when the Spanish giants meet in the long-awaited El Clasico.

It’s a showdown which will surely decide the destination of La Liga, with Real a precious but precarious four points ahead in the bitter battle between southern Catalan and central Castillian, two nations in one. Three if you include the northern Basques.

The battle between them holds such irony. Messi has on the Ballon D’Or as the world’s best for three years on the trot, but we all know Ronaldo is only a shade adrift since he won it in 2008; he’d be head-and-shoulders better than the rest – Iniesta, Gomez, Van Persie, Robben – if Barca hadn’t spotted an undersized 13-year-old with magic feet a decade ago.

The truth is, there has simply NEVER been anything like these two in the 150-year history of professional football. You can throw up some names. Dixie Dean, who scored 63 goals in a season for Everton just after they changed the off-side rule in 1927-28. Ferenc Deak who scored 66 goals for Hungary's Ferencvaros in 1948-49. Or the great Pele, who equalled that for Santos in 1958. And how about Der Bomber? Germany’s Gerd Muller struck 67 for Bayern Munich in 1972-73.

You can forget those records now. Messi, still only 24, has scored 63 goals in all competitions for Barcelona this season. Ronaldo, 27, has got 53 for Real Madrid. And they’ve both got plenty to come this season, with five to play in their head-to-head battle for La Liga and a probable two more in the Champions League.

Last weekend, fittingly, they broke the Spanish scoring record together. Ronaldo, who reset the mark last year with 40, nodded home an Angel Di Maria cross in the 74th minute of a 3-1 win at the Bernabeu against Sporting Gijon to reach 41 League goals. Two hours later, Messi joined him on 41 with both goals in Barca’s 2-1 win at Levante.

Afterwards the ever-modest Messi, who has never cut his hair fashionably, said: "Luckily things are going well for me, but the important thing is that the team performs well so we can challenge for the title.”

The more flamboyant Ronaldo, crasher of sports cars and father of a mystery child, went for: “I always believe in myself, knowing that from one moment to the next I can do important things. We are very confident and we have our fate in our own hands which is crucial for the final stages of the season.”

Any further confirmation of the Messi/Ronaldo effect can be seen in the goals scored column. Though both global stars have failed to inspire international success – that could change when Portugal compete at Euro2012 this winter and Argentina chase the Copa de America – Real Madrid now have 107 goals, Barca offer 99. Both have played 33 times. In Germany’s Bundesliga, the leaders Dortmund and second-placed Bayern have 69 from 31. In England, Manchester City lead the way with 85 from 34. The Dutch are closest with Ajax registering 84 goals in 30 games. In South Africa, second-placed Mamelodi Sundowns are the best on offer, with a meagre 40 from 25 matches.

Problem is, no other league boasts a pint-sized fireball like Messi. Or an all-singing, all dancing act like Ronaldo. To have both scoring when they want in the same division is something of a modern sporting miracle.

So, Saturday night. Put it in the diary. In front of the telly, with SuperSport3 and HD2 from 7.55pm. Share an evening with the world’s best paid footballers, Messi ($660,000 a week) and Ronaldo ($584,000 a week), and one day you, too, can tell the grandchildren: I remember them well.

Football’s rich list (Daily Mail, 12 March 2012) Includes salaries, bonuses and endorsements

£27.5m Lionel Messi (Barcelona)

£26.2m David Beckham (LA Galaxy)

£24.3m Cristiano Ronaldo (Real Madrid)

£19.4m Samuel Eto'o (Anzhi)

£17.2m Wayne Rooney (Man United)

£15.7m Sergio Aguero (Man City)

£14.7m Yaya Toure (Man City)

£13.9m Fernando Torres (Chelsea)

£12.9m Kaka (Real Madrid)

£11.9m Philipp Lahm (Bayern Munich)

This story first appeared in The New Age as part of my Neal & Pray series. You can read Neal every Tuesday in www.thenewage.co.za and follow him on twitter at www.twitter.com/nealcol.

El Clasico, Eish Clasico and Alex Clasico: who's going to win what

IT’S that time of year for the football-speaking world as the end of season crowds gather. The reigning season.

Let me draw your attention to the big ones. The title-deciders I was asked to talk about on South Africa’s eNews channel this morning, with Mr William Lehong and his perfect suit. El Classico at the Nou Camp, the self-styled Eish Clasico in Soweto and the Sir Al Clasico in Manchester.

Let us for a moment skip past the Champions League semi-finals, difficult though that is. Real Madrid go to Bayern Munich tomorrow night in an attempt to stop the Germans, currently second to Dortmund in the Bundesliga, from engineering a home final in May.

On Wednesday, Barcelona are off to London, where Chelsea at Stamford Bridge may be a stumbling point. Unfortunately, the Blues are coming off the back of an excruciating 5-1 win over Spurs, with Drogba, Lampard, Ramirez and Malouda joining referee Martin Atkinson on the scoresheet in the FA Cup semi-final at Wembley. The Nou Camp could be disastrous for Roberto di Matteo.

Few would bet against an all-Spanish Champions League final, but for both the La Liga giants, Europe pales into insignificance on Saturday, when Jose Mourinho’s all-whites travel to the heart of Catlunia and the blue-and-red Nou Camp.

Has there ever been a bigger El Clasico? With Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi both breaking the all-time La Liga scoring record of the weekend – they’re locked on 41 each – the stage is set for something extraordinary.

I’ve spent most of today writing for The New Age about this extraordinarily odd couple. Modest, unassuming Messi, 24, with his growth hormones and crap hairstyle against flashy, sports car-crashing Ronaldo, 27.

And on the sidelines, the relatively sane Pep Guardiola versus the madness that is Jose Mourinho, who recently missed his 45^thpre-match press conference (the Spaniards count these things).

But before that little lot, we’ve got South Africa’s own title showdown: champions Orlando Pirates, holders of all the nation’s domestic trophies, against upstarts Moroka Swallows in Dobsonville.

Soweto’s oldest derby comes at an intriguing time. Eish. Gordon Igesund has turned the Dube Birds from relegation fodder into title contenders in just over a year. Peruvian caretaker Augusto Palacios has taken over from Brazilian Julio Leal with surprising aplomb in Orlando. A win over the Buccaneers, unlikely though it may seems, would put Swallows within a point of the lead.

With the ancient Siyabonga Nomvete, the SAPL’s top scorer, up against the bang-from-suspension Benni McCarthy, it’s not quite Messi v Ronaldo, but it’ll do for us!

And then, on May 30, the English showdown of note. Manchester United travel to Eastlands, Manchester City’s home at the Commonwealth Games Stadium.

After their glitch against Wigan, United bounced back with a 4-0 destruction of a pitiful Aston Villa on Sunday. Wayne Rooney, subbed and chastised against Wigan, scored twice. Ashley Young did one of his gold medal winning dives. Sir Alex chewed gum and admitted Young “might have overdone it”.

City meanwhile, are on a roll with Mario Balotelli suspended. Carlos Tevez, a footballing slave I have always defended, scored a hat-trick in their 6-1 win over Norwich. I guess the former United striker would love a couple more where they came from against Sir Alex.

Sir Alex said after the weekend’s fun and games: “We’ve got a nice healthy lead, but the derby is bound to have an impact on the the eventual winners.”

In Spain, the gap is four points. In South Africa, it’s the same. In England, it’s five.

These are the three big ones, El Clasico, Soweto’s oldest derby and the Manchester showdown. My picks? Real Madrid to get at last a point at the Nou Camp, Swallows to stun the Buccaneers, City to edge United at home. But the title winners? Jose Mourinho, Gordon Igesund… and, yet again, Sir Alex Ferguson.

You can follow me in www.thenewage.co.zaand on www.twitter.com/nealcol. But don’t be scared to leave a comment…

Ivory Coast and the Toure brothers leave Portugal firing blanks

Confession time. Some of us Arsenal fans have a passion for Kolo Toure, the man mountain who holds the Ivory Coast back four together.

His brother Yaya, who is about to join Kolo at moneybags Manchester City, is also high in my affections. Arsenal had Yaya as a kid, and quickly put on their books after a fraternal trial though he played for a club in Belgium.

Yaya was allowed to go to Barcelona, where he has established himself as one of Europe’s top African stars. Kolo, one of Arsenal’s title-winning Invincibles six years ago, has decamped for the Abu Dhabi-funded rebuilding process at Eastlands. Soon, if the reports are to be believed, they will both be together at City.

The pair of them made Portugal, ranked a too-lofty No3 in the world, look very ordinary in a rain-swept Port Elizabeth.

The first Group G game followed the general binary pattern of this otherwise faultless World Cup. A bit of a burst early on, then caution as both sides attempted to avoid defeat. Tomorrow, when South Africa take on Uruguay at Loftus Versfeld in Pretoria, we hope the real action will begin as Group A moves into the second round of fixtures.

Truth is, losing your first game at the finals just isn’t acceptable. That’s why the scores so far read 1-1, 0-0, 1-0, 2-0, 1-1, 0-1, 4-0, 0-1, 2-0, 1-0, 1-1, 1-1 and 0-0, only Germany’s four-goal win over Australia relieving the monotony for these soggy fans who travelled so far.

The Portuguese community in South Africa, something of a lost tribe, number over a million. Most of the 42,000 braving the rain at the brand new Nelson Mandela Bay stadium had travelled 1,000 miles from Johannesburg for the rare chance to wave their flag with pride.

Sadly, apart from their idol Cristiano Ronaldo hitting a post from distance early on, they had little to celebrate.

Ronaldo was harshly booked soon afterwards and apart from a free-kick with the ultra-light Jabulani ball which flew over the bar like all the others in this tournament, they had little else to cheer.

Instead it was Ivory Coast, ranked 27 in the world, who were comfortably the dominant side, though they had to wait over an hour for the arrival of their talisman, Didier Drogba, who was given permission to play with a cast on his broken arm shortly before the game.

The two Toures shone throughout, as did Arsenal’s Emmanuel Eboue. Some may have been thrilled at the sight of a quintet of Chelsea stars – Kalou, Drogba, Ferreira, Carvalho, Deco. But a win was not to be in a pitch cutting up badly. By the close it was a Drogba-inspired Cote d’Ivoire who were putting all the pressure.

But there was no magic moment to lift this game. Barely a save at either end, and we will have to wait for Brazil later tonight to provide the magic this tournament so richly deserves. Ranked No1 in the world, surely the five-time world champions can give North Korea, at 105 the lowest ranked side at the finals, a good old-fashioned tonking in Group G’s second showdown?

The opening match of day five saw New Zealand grab their first-ever point in the World Cup finals. Winston Reid headed the last-gasp equaliser for the All Whites after Robert Vittek had put Slovakia ahead.

But with Paraguay and Italy drawing 1-1 the night before in Cape Town, both these side will struggle to emerge from Group F after another less than heart-stopping 90 minutes.

Ivory Coast boss Sven Goran Eriksson, the former England and Mexico coach, said: “Nobody wants to lose a game like this. We had some half chances and it was good to bring Drogba on.

“As a team we defend very well. We still have one point. Next we have Brazil, let’s see what we can do.”

Neal Collins (nealcol on Twitter) is in South Africa to promote his first novel A GAME APART. For more information see www.nealcollins.co.uk. If you think the Scottish bagpipes should be banned rather than the Vuvuzela, seehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1hrMRk5FnY.