Small people in New Zealand beware: Martin Johnson steps in to defend dwarf-throwing Mike Tindall, note drink driving convictions at foot of story‏

England's dwarf-throwing, drink-driving, Kiwi-loving Mike Tindall. What a man. Asked last night if the press attention after his post-Argentina foray in Dunedin had bothered him: "Not really, no."

And it gets better. When curious journalists tried to get Mr Zara Phillips to talk about the pressure he’s been under on the front pages back home, boss Martin Johnson, all 6ft 7in of him, stepped in and stopped the line of questioning with some gusto before Saturday’s Group B clash against minnows Romania.

It was Sky’s experienced rugby follower Phil Edwards who had the guts to ask Tindall (that’s “shamed Tindall” according to today’s Sun in England): “Since captaining England in that opening game we’ve not heard much from you Mike, must have been a bit challenging at times.”

Tindall, deadpan, responded with all the experience a 32-year-old with a 2003 World Cup winners’ medal and 63 caps can muster: “Not really, no. I’m just disappointed I didn’t get a run out against Georgia.”

Pressed further, Tindall – who missed the last World Cup in France with a broken leg - said: “You want to play every game and I was disappointed I didn't get a run out last weekend but you work hard and hope you get picked by the coach every week. It is as simple as that."

And when Edwards, a veteran broadcaster who has covered four World Cups, asked if Tindall’s form might be affected with his wife Zara on her way to the England camp after some tears in Ireland last week, the 2003 World Cup-winning centre grinned: “I hope my own game’s fine.”

And that’s when big, bad Martin put his oar in, with a gruff: “Put it to bed mate.”

When Edwards tried to press things further, arguing that the story would run and run if questions weren’t answered, Johnson growled: “Phil, we’re looking forward to a big game against Romania. I said to you last week what happened. We had this conversation last week, we’ve played a game since then. If you’ve got any questions about that, we’re happy to answer them.

“We’ve moved on. I said what we said last week, we had a long press conference about it. We’ve all moved on.”

Back in the Sky studio, former England scrum-half and rugby analyst Dewi Morris refused to back colleague Edwards. He said: “Martin Johnson, rightly or wrongly, allowed the guys to go out for a drink.

“I think rightly. Martin has treated them as responsible adults, one or two have let them down. I don’t think there’s a story in it.”

Wales-born Morris, who played 26 times for England between 1988 and 1995, added: “As far as people going out for a drink, that’s it. We did it. We didn’t get the same publicity.

“I’m more interested in what Martin Johnson’s going to do against Romania.”

But if you’re of a certain height or are a New Zealander with breasts, it might be best not to go out in Dunedin on Saturday night. Just a thought.

What Wikipedia tells us about Michael James Tindall, MBE: On 21 December 2010 it was announced that he was engaged to Zara Phillips, the daughter of the Princess Royal, and her first husband Captain Mark Phillips. Phillips is the granddaughter of the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh. The wedding was held on 30 July 2011 at Canongate Kirk in Edinburgh with the attendance of all senior members of the Royal Family.

Tindall has two convictions for drink driving.^[10] In 2000 he was disqualified for 16 months (a period which was in excess of the obligatory 12 month disqualification for a first offence).^[11] On 15 March 2008, following a day out at Cheltenham Racing Festival with Phillips, Tindall was stopped by Gloucestershire Police on the M4 motorway and required to take a breath test. In consequence, on 8 January 2009 he was disqualified from driving for three years and fined £500 for drink driving, with £75 costs.

Wilkinson is back and it's do or die for England after "harsh talking" from Johnson

Jonny Wilkinson believes England are ready to bounce back from their stuttering start and make a “do or die” assault on the William Webb Ellis Trophy in New Zealand.

Back in the side for Saturday’s clash with minnows Romania, Wilko insists the current campaign – which has featured a tight 13-9 win over Argentina and a less-than-sparkling 41-10 trouncing of Georgia – can end in a third successive World Cup final on October 23.

He compares the squad’s mood with 2007 in France, when Brian Ashton’s side were crushed by 36-0 by South Africa in their pool clash – but bounced back to play the Springboks in the final, where they lost 15-6 thanks to a controversial disallowed Mark Cueto try.

After a “harsh talking” squad gathering (not a crisis meeting, insisted the England management) this week, Wilko - who missed a record five kicks in the opening win over Argentina - insisted: "It’s the same kind of energy now. That 36-0 defeat sparked a path that we had to go down and thankfully we did.

“Maybe in 2007 we needed to lose to South Africa to make us realise we had to win the next two games against Tonga and Samoa otherwise we'd be out. It’s about accountability. We know we must do better, understand the mistakes we made and we know that ill-discipline in a World Cup is going to cost you.”

Wilko, who has been starting his kicking routine at 7am since his uncharacteristic inaccuracies under the roof at the Carisbrook “House of Pain” in Dunedin, added: "The punishment is looking at the other 14 guys who are working their backsides off. It's the feeling that you've put the guys in a difficult position, and made things difficult for the England team. That hurts more than any punishment.

"If you don't get these things spot on, it gets to the situation when you say, 'we've got to do better next time'. You don't get next week in a World Cup."

Wilko, who scored the sudden-death drop goal which secured the World Cup at Australia 2003, returns to the starting squad in Dunedin on Saturday with fly-half rival Toby Flood of Leicester rested despite being one of the few to emerge from the Georgia victory with any credit.

England finish their pool games with a potential banana-skin – old rivals Scotland in Auckland a week later. Having given away a record 11 penalties in the first half against Georgia, Scottish kicker Chris Paterson may be the key. Defeat would probably see a quarter-final against New Zealand, a win would pit England against unloved neighbours France.

Wilko revealed exactly why defeat in Pool B is not an option: “Martin Johnson told us: 'You'll be back watching the semi-final on TV and then going out to play Newcastle away.’

"He's absolutely right. I know exactly what he was talking about because he was playing against me that day. In 1999 we got knocked out in the quarter-finals and the next weekend was possibly one of the coldest, rainiest days we had at Newcastle and we were playing against Leicester.

“He’s right, that’s how it works. World Cups are do or die. We have to make sure we don't leave ourselves in that position. We just can't afford to keep giving penalties away. That's why there's an urgency about our meetings … everyone knows that sooner or later it's going to have an effect that we can't come back from. We need to make sure we nip it in the bud before then."

Mike Tindall – presumably after a talking to from his wife Zara Phillips, who arrives in Dunedin on Friday – is also back for the Romania clash after being splashed across the English tabloids for an evening of dwarf-throwing and Kiwi-clenching after the Argentina game.

But Wilkinson believes Tindall’s indiscretion has helped rather than hindered England. He said: "That story has been massively motivational to everyone in the team.

“We are more together than ever. We understand whatever's happened has happened and a huge element is there to drive into the squad to separate us. And the guys refuse to do that. The guys are pulling tight together.

"Just because someone says some things and writes some things makes no difference. We are aiming to continue on the path we're on, which is the right one."

On the injury front, prop Matt Stevens's ankle is said to be responding to treatment, so is Alex Corbisiero's calf, while Ben Foden has a sore side. At No8 Nick Easter could yet be replaced by Leicester's New Zealand born Thomas “The Tank Engine” Waldrom.

Cueto, so nearly the World Cup winner in 2007, is ready to start on the wing after a back problem. Bath's David Wilson is expected to make his World Cup debut in the front row.

Wilko, described as a “basket case” for his obsessive kicking practice in 2003, concludes: “It’s very difficult to explain World Cups. I’ve given up trying other than just knowing, deep down, you have got to come with everything and you never know what’s round the corner.”

Why England are not the most popular nation at the Rugby World Cup. And that's putting it mildly.

It’s time for Englishmen now abed to admit what too many of us have known for too long. Poms are not the most popular of people.

And when it comes to the current Rugby World Cup in New Zealand, the Red Rose is giving off a distinctly dodgy aroma.

So far, Martin Johnson’s side have managed a narrow 13-9 win over Argentina and an unsatisfying 41-10 victory over Georgia. Next up: Romania. A win over the gypsy nation is hardly likely to lead to a burst of enthusiasm, especially with the forced eviction of travellers at Dale Farm hogging the headlines on Sky News.

Between those two unspectacular victories, Mr Zara Phillips – also known as veteran England centre Mike Tindall – managed to get a nightclub manager fired and arrested for posting a video of his wild night out with a full-breasted female Kiwi. And all this whilst his team-mates were attending a boozy dwarf-throwing contest.

Today, boss Johnson – the former World Cup-winning ogre with the joined eyebrows who has never coached a club side and exhibits few of the traits we associate with a national manager – is apparently launching a “charm offensive” to put right this awful injustice.

Lots of autograph signing, plenty of friendly media appearances, lots of sympathy for Christchurch earthquake victims. You know the sort of thing.

It ain’t gonna work. I mean, look at our history. Since the post-Roman era, the Anglo-Saxons have tended to colonise nations – just ask the local Maori historians in Wellington – rather than cuddle them. Often using weapons of mass destruction.

Before the invention of gunpowder, we used thousands of working class scruffs and quasi-religious fervour to crush the kilts out of the Irish, Scottish and Welsh. And as our proud nation developed, we chose concentration camps and machine guns to deal with the locals in South Africa, Kenya, India etc etc.

More recently, we have chosen Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya to blood our Sandhurst graduates from the playing fields of Eton and Harrow.

Not the best way to win a popularity contest. Germany aren’t at this World Cup. But France are. And the Italians. Don’t even ask.

It doesn’t help that so many of the current England squad aren’t even subjects. Matt Stevens, the little South African prop with an historic dope problem, is back from his two-year cocaine suspension to add his curious aksent to the mix.

Then there’s Shontayne Edward Hape, the 30-year-old New Zealand rugby league international born in Auckland. He played 14 games for the Kiwis before deciding he was English.

Hooker Dylan Hartley, born in Rotorua 25 years ago, is in the squad, along with Leicester's Samoan-born centre Manu Tuilagi, famous for punching England team-mates. He scored two tries against the luckless Georgians.

Kiwi centre Riki Flutey, the former Maori captain, is on stand-by to fly out, as is Saracens lock Mouritz Botha, from Vryheid in South Africa. Like the world-beating England cricket team which features South African-born Kevin Pietersen, Matthew Prior, Jonathan Trott, Jade Dernbach, Craig Kieswetter and even captain Andrew Strauss, passports tend to be overlooked in the quest for glory.

And the latest call-up? That’s New Zealander Thomas Waldrom, 27, flying in as back-up for crocked No8 Nick Easter.

Waldrom, born in Lower Hutt and nicknamed “The Tank Engine” at Leicester, has an English grandmother. Even Pietersen managed an English mother.

With Waldrom, Hape and Hartley wearing the Red Rose rather than the Silver Fern, New Zealanders may be excused for wondering what’s going on. England boasts a world-beating 166,672 registered senior players while New Zealand have just 27,374 to choose from according to the latest International Rugby Board figures.

So the least popular side at this World Cup were greeted by about 100 hardy fans at Auckland Airport at the start of the tournament. No great fanfare for the all-whites who have chosen to wear a locally-reviled all-black away strip at this World Cup.

A poll of fans in New Zealand will simply confirm what Limeys, Rooineks and Poms have always known: We are the least popular nation at this odd-shaped-ball fest.

England, once described as the “great white orcs” in the nation which gave birth to the Lord of the Rings movies, are pure evil.

Which isn’t to say they might just raise the Union Jack over this World Cup with a bit more stiff upper lip. Just wish they could do it with a little more panache.

The coach, the minister and the barber may be crazy but who will stop the Boks?

Look it’s not just because Francois “Steffi Graf” Steyn has cut his hair. Or because the South African sports minister said farewell to the squad by telling the Springboks to ‘Moer hulle’ (beat them up).

It’s not even because, in Morne Steyn, they have South Africa’s answer to Jonny Wilkinson circa 2003... with a very effective youngster called Pat Lambie as a back-up fly-half.

If you had to give one reason why South African can win old Bill again, it’s because so many of them have been there, done that and got the medal to prove it.

When the battered Boks turned up for France 2007, everyone was calling for the head of Jake White after a disastrous build-up. This time, it was much the same for the puppet-voiced Pieter de Villiers as he uttered nonsense beneath his bushy moustache throughout a tough Tri-Nations.

But then, after three crunching defeats, the rebirth. Back came all the old, battered Boks – particularly all-conquering Bulls locks Victor Matfield and Bakkies Botha – and along came a final, grinding warm-up victory over the All Blacks in Port Elizabeth three weeks ago.

Playing international rugby in PE is like trying a rugby Test at Millwall. Just not the done thing. But the people of the unfashionable Eastern Cape rose to the occasion and so did captain John Smit – who came on as a late sub for a clearly miffed but beautifully-named Bismarck Du Plessis – and the rest of his charges in an 18-5 triumph.

Look, it wasn’t beautiful and it didn’t conjure a try, but beating the All Blacks – a feat repeated by the Australians a week later – proved the perfect send-off. Confidence restored, the sports minister cussing merrily, 35,000 people in Sandton to wish them farewell... and the nation believes, as it did in 1995 when Nelson Mandela did his Invictus thing.

Sports Minister Fikile Mbalula joined the craziness, telling the assembled masses: "We stand here, black and white, red, yellow and purple... As a rainbow nation. Moer hulle! Bliksem hulle, die bokke sal dans!"

In English, that's something like: Crush them, thump them, the Bucks will dance.

And he may have a point. Just listen to the stats. This squad boasts 1,224 caps between them, 18 of them played in the 2007 win, 12 of them starters in the final against England. Matfield, Bryan Habana, Tendai “Beast” Mtawarira (Lions fans will remember what he did to Phil Vickery in 2008) and Botha are living legends here, Smit has lost a little of his lustre but remains a vivid leader of men.

The others? Little Stormers wing Gio Aplon, tough to stop. The newly-shorn back Steyn, the youngest ever scorer in a final four years ago (behind a certain Jonah Lomu) is back and kicking the length of the field.

Schalk Burger missed the end of the season with a broken digit but should be fit for the Boks’ opener against Wales on September 11. In a Group D which also features Aussie-beating Samoa, free-running Fiji and neighbours Namibia, a solid win there should see the Boks to the semi-final against New Zealand.

And like Paris four years ago, who’s going to bet on the Bok stopping there? The apparent madness of their coach, their sports minister, their barber and their semi-retired captain may be just the job.