Forget the Vuvuzelas... now Beckenbauer's blowing his own trumpet

JUST when you thought the blast of the Vuvuzela was going to dominate this World Cup, out come the Germans blowing their own trumpet. Loudly. Some readers may need earplugs at this point.

If all this absorbing World Cup needed was a bit of bite, then the legendary “Kaizer” Frans Beckenbauer and his coach Joachim Loew have provided it, spurring old enemy England on to greater things – hopefully – when they meet Algeria in Cape Town on Friday night.

Lest we forget, England’s opening 1-1 draw with the USA last Saturday was a bit of an embarrassment next to Germany’s 4-0 blitzing of Australia a day later.

Today, the legend that is Beckenbauer – one of the men who will decide whether the 2018 World Cup will go to England, Russia or Spain – said: "What I saw of the English against the US had very little to do with football. It looked to me as if the English have gone backwards into the bad old days of kick and rush.” Ouch.

While Germany’s Bilt newspaper insisted: “We’re going to blow you all away” after catching the Socceroos on the hop, the English tabloids were forced to lament “The Hand of Clod” after Robert Green’s lamentable error gifted another former colony a point.

Coach Loew, whose contract runs out during this tournament, is complaining he’s got too many options after the return to form of his Bayern Munich strike force while England have injury niggles and selection problems to ponder all over the pitch.

Loew said: “As far as our attackers are concerned we have so many players who can turn a game and I've got a range of possibilities as far as our defence is concerned."

If England don’t win Group C ahead of the Yanks, Algeria and Slovenia, they’ll face Germany in the last 16 (assuming they manage to come second)... and even if they do end up on top, they will probably play Ghana before a quarter-final against the old enemy.

Beckenbauer, 61, won the World Cup as both a player (in 1974) and coach (1990). He explained his quotes in South Africa’s free Times newspaper by saying: "The English are being punished for the fact that there are very few English players in the Premier League as clubs use better foreign players from all over the world.

“I am not sure if the their coach Fabio Capello can do much about it."

Still, there were nicer words from former boss Sven Goran Eriksson, now in charge of the Ivory Coast. He said: “I think England were unlucky. Robert Green was very unlucky.

“I feel really sorry for him because it must be awful to do what he did. He's a good goalkeeper and you always feel sorry for people when they do things like that.”

The Swede, who never got the recognition he deserved for taking England to three successive major quarter-finals, added: “Don’t worry. England will qualify. I am sure they will qualify.”

Neal Collins (nealcol on Twitter) is in South Africa to promote his first novel A GAME APART. For more information see www.nealcollins.co.uk. If you think the Scottish bagpipes should be banned rather than the Vuvuzela, see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1hrMRk5FnY.

England 1 USA 1 and Robert Green is Phokeng awful

Robert Green, you will never make a bigger mistake. Emile Heskey, you will never miss an easier chance. Fabio Capello, you are pushing yourself to an early grave.

Two days gone in South Africa and already this World Cup has done for me. England’s 1-1 draw with the USA was held in Rustenburg township Phokeng. That’s roughly the word used a lot by England fans during an absorbing, unbelievable 90 minutes.

It started so well. Steve Gerrard, the captain, slotted home from Emile Heskey’s neat pass after just four minutes. Pandemonium in the 44,000 Royal Bafokeng Stadium, where England fans outnumbered the Americans despite inferior ticket sales, boosted by the vast ex-pat community in South Africa.

Flags, vuvuzelas, drums. But American clawed their way back. James Milner, picked on the left ahead of Joe Cole, looked uncertain and took an early booking on 26 minutes. Capello, never more animated than last night, whipped him off and brought on... Shaun Wright Phillips. Yes, ignoring smoking Joe, he went for the littlest man with no left foot after just 32 minutes.

Then the blunder of all blunders. Green, who has had a mediocre season at relegation-threatened West Ham, went down to collect a weak, bobbling shot from Fulham’s Clint Dempsey after 40 minutes... and let it slip right through him.

It’s perhaps the worst mistake I’ve ever seen from an international goalkeeper, and God knows we English have seen a few. Ask Paul Robinson about that divot, or Scott Carson what happened to his international career.

According to statistics experts Opta’s man on Twitter, Green made more goal-leaking blunders than anybody else in the Premier League last season. Poor bloke, what could they say to him at half-time? Still, I’m no sentimentalist. Here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ho6U_KRQWBk. And come to that, what did Capello say to Frank Lampard, who barely touched the ball for 45 minutes?

We’ll never know. What we do know is that Tottenham’s Ledley King, with the dodgy knees, disappeared during the interval to be replaced by Liverpool’s Jamie Carragher, who reversed his international retirement for the sake of the nation.

Booked for a typical mis-timed scything tackle, Carro let Jozi Altidor, Hull’s former one-goal-a-season striker, slip past him, allowing Green to redeem himself slightly with a good near-post save.

At the other end Emile Heskey, Aston Villa’s non-scoring striker, produced a blunder ever bit as damaging as Green. Totally clear in front of goal from Aaron Lennon’s astute ball, he fired straight at Tim Howard. By then, after 52 minutes, England had every right to say they should have been 2-0 up. It wasn’t so much an open goal as a yawning chasm.

It goes on. The anonymous Lampard had a good effort saved, Wright-Phillips ditto. Again and again England piled forward. And weary England fans sat waiting for an American winner on the break, just like in 1950 at Belo Horizonte.

There was time for a Landon Donovan effort which flew just high. Then they all trooped off. England robbed? No, England doing their normal. In 1966 they opened with a 0-0 draw against Uruguay at an unhappy Wembley.

This is normal. I’m telling my shredded nerves that. I told BBC Radio 5 last night I’d be happy with a draw. They said I was defeatist. No. Just a realist. Both these sides should qualify. I’m off to see the other two Group C teams, Slovenia and Algeria, play in distant Polokwane tomorrow just to check.

Afterwards Gerrard said: “It was a difficult game. The most important thing in your first game is not to lose. Unfortunately we’ve let a poor goal in and we couldn’t go on to get the winner.

“It’s one of them freak things. You can’t criticise the goalkeeper. We have to get behind Robert and support him. I’m sure he’ll live. He’ll make a big save for us to win a match down the line. It shocked us a bit.

“Took us a while to get over it but I thought we finished the game a bit stronger.”

PS: I didn't mention Wayne Rooney, the erm, English Pele. He's not. He did nothingPS: Forgot to mention Wayne Rooney, England's Pele apparently. That's because he didn't do anything.