Nerves, nails and underpants: all you need to know about the final round of Premier League action today

Gunner be tough: How I may look on eTV tomorrow morning

For those frantically chewing nails before the Premier League finale, some facts:

1 If QPR hold Manchester City to a draw today and United win, Sir Alex takes his 13^th title.

2 If QPR fail as expected and Sunderland lose to United, City take it on goal difference.

3 If both Manchester giants win (or lose), City win the title for the first time since 1968.

4 If Arsenal beat West Brom, they take third and a guaranteed Champions League spot.

5 If Spurs finish fourth, they must wait and see if Chelsea win in Munich.

6 The Blues will qualify for Europe if they lift the Champions League against Bayern.

7 Robin van Persie needs one goal to equal Alan Shearer’s record of 31 goals.

8 If Bolton win and QPR lose, the Hoops are relegated with Blackburn and Wolves.

9 If Spurs and Arsenal lose and Newcastle win, Alan Pardew completes his dream.

10 If Arsenal lose, I will wear underpants on my head on eTV Sunrise tomorrow.

Yes, d-day has dawned. At the top, middle and bottom of the most watchable football league in the world, fans are currently gathering with frayed nerves around the world.

In Manchester, as Nick Hornby might say, things are at fever pitch. Roberto Mancini’s expensive gathering of international stars, spearheaded by Yaya Toure, must win against QPR at the Etihad Stadium to guarantee their first championship since 1968, when Santa Claus was a lad.

Anything less than that – a draw or an unthinkable defeat – will leave the door wide open for United and Sir Alex Ferguson, who has won 12 of the 19 Premier League titles since the old First Division succumbed in 1992.

This morning, the BBC carry these quotes from City’s Argentine full-back Pablo Zabaleta: "We're only 90 minutes away from making history. If we succeed it is probably the start of a new era for this club."

More worrying than my underpants, Robert Mancini has promised to get a tattoo if City succeed.

United have dominated the Premier era, with Arsenal and Chelsea winning three each and Blackburn one since the dark, distant days of football highlights and terrestrial television coverage.

QPR are, of course, managed by one Mark Hughes. Sparky thrilled Old Trafford in his playing days and will be intent on producing the ultimate spring surprise against City, the club responsible for his unjust sacking and replacement by Mancini.

If the former United striker and City reject does the job and wins a point against City today, it will be perhaps the greatest shock in modern footballing history. But don’t bet against it.

A point will also secure Premier League status for QPR, who change managers more often than I change my Spiderman underpants.

If Bolton win against Stoke and QPR lose, the Hoops will join hopeless Wolves and Blackburn in League One next season.

Then we come to the battle for Champions League qualification, where a point could mean R200m today.

Arsenal are in poll position to take third place despite their woeful 3-3 draw against Norwich last week. Arsene Wenger has been unable to shore up his dodgy defence at the squeaky bottom end of the season and he faces a West Brom side saying farewell to new England boss Roy Hodgson today.

To find out my views on my old coach Woy, simply google “Neal Collins Roy Hodgson”. It’s gone global.

My desperate attempts to call Woy, who coached me when I was 13, have failed. He has no idea what a Baggies win will do to me. As a sideshow, Robin van Persie needs just one more goal to equal the Premier League record of 31.

And of course, if Spurs beat Fulham – and they should at White Hart Lane – Harry Redknapp and the Gooners’ arch-rivals will snatch third if Arsenal draw or lose. Lurking behind the pair of North London wannabes are Newcastle, who could take that third spot if they win at Everton and Spurs and Arsenal lose.

It’s all too much for some. I have promised to wear my nearly-unique and often-admired Spiderman underpants on my head tomorrow on eNews Sunrise’s Classic Play if Arsenal fail. If Mother’s Day prevents you from watching the action this afternoon at 3pm (4pm in South Africa) tune in tomorrow at 7.30am, DSTV channel 134 to find out. The underpants will be on my head. And I will be thoroughly miserable.

Should you miss that, try eNews and Collins Corner at 8.15am on DSTV 403. And read Neal and Pray in The New Age on Tuesday for the full extent of my misery. Arsene Wenger, please don’t do this to me.

You can follow me on www.twitter.com/nealcoland www.facebook.com/nealivorcollins.

The news every Gooner dreads: moneybags Manchester City keen on Robin van Persie

IT’S official. The news every Gooner has been dreading. Manchester City and their ridiculously rich backers have targeted Arsenal’s goalden Dutchman Robin van Persie. Arsene Wenger won’t be surprised. He’s already seen Kolo Toure, Emmanuel Adebayor, Gael Clichy and Samir Nasri head north to Eastlands, lured by the oil-soaked Dirhams on offer from Sheikh Mansour in Abu Dhabi. Arsenal’s bank balance may have improved, but as every Gooners knows, they’re struggling to compete without that handy quartet. Now Roberto Mancini, with his side top of the Premier League, had told The Sun in London: “All good teams are interested in him. At this moment, Robin van Persie is one of the best strikers in Europe with Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, Sergio Aguero and Mario Balotelli.” Bloody Mancini. He’s already got Aguero and Balotelli on his books. Edin Dzeko isn’t bad. Adebayor is on loan at Spurs and Carlos Tevez is lurking somewhere in the twilight between an apology and Argentina. Five world class strikers is an expensive luxury. Six would be ridiculous. But Mancini is only too aware that without Van Persie, Arsenal would be taken out of the equation as a Premier League threat. With 25 goals this season, he leads the English goalscoring charts by seven from Wayne Rooney. Without those goals, Arsenal probably be languishing somewhere just blow the middle of the tables, with fans at the Emirates Stadium having a right go at Gervinho, Maroune Chamakh and Theo Walcott every week. Arsenal’s potential demise only encourages Mancini, who said: "We are interested in all good players. If there is a good player who wants to leave a club, then we are interested.” Mancini, like Pep Guardiola at Barcelona and Jose Mourinho if he stays at Real Madrid after winning La Liga this season, won’t be put off by Van Persie’s repeated claims of loyalty to Wenger. At 28, he’s out of contract at the end of 2013. The giants are waiting to swoop, with money no object if Van Persie doesn’t sign a new deal before the end of the winter. Mancini claims: "If Van Persie leaves I don't think he will be cheap because he has one year left on his contract. If, for example, you wanted to buy Napoli's Edinson Cavani he would be maybe £30million. "I think Van Persie will sign a new contract. He is Arsenal's best player and it is difficult for them to give him to another club. "I think he is a fantastic striker but I think he will remain with Arsenal." Then why talk about him at all Roberto?

Carlos Tevez: The case for his defence

Carlos Tevez. Disgraceful. Ridiculous. Disgusting. And those are just the nicer things they’re saying about the talented little Argentinian after he allegedly refused to play for Manchester City at Bayern Munich on Tuesday night.

Manager Roberto Mancini, who has had to deal with a fair few disgruntled players in his billionaire-infested dressing room over the past 18 months, says Tevez will never kick a ball for City again.

The former Liverpool and Scotland manager Graeme Souness sounded like he might have shot the bloke for his bizarre actions on the bench at the Allianz Stadion.

And yes, for a bloke paid £250,000-a-week, you’d expect better. At least a ten-minute burst, though it wouldn’t have made much of a difference on a night when City were comprehensively outplayed, one of those nights when they lost 2-0 and were lucky to get nil.

But I have a case for the defence Carlos Alberto Tévez, the 27-year-old from the mean streets of Ciudadela in Buenos Aires. Though he stands barely 5ft 8in (1.73m) high, he somehow survived the toughest of upbringings in the distinctly dodgy neighbourhood of Ejército de Los Andes, known as "Fuerte Apache". And he grew up to become "El Apache" with his elaborate skills attracting the attention of Boca Juniors.

Scarred by boiling water as a child – he was in intensive care for two months after the incident – Tevez refuses to have cosmetic surgery when he made it as a young professional. When Boca Juniors offered a cosmetic surgeon, he said simply: “My scars are part of who I am.”

But other, less obvious scars remain. As a youngster, Tevez found himself in a difficult position in those early years in Argentina. So along came a company called Media Sports Investments, and an Iranian-born agent called Kia Joorabchian.

Both Tevez and his mate, Javier Mascherano, suddenly found the money pouring in... but at a price. Joorabchian and his company now owned the pair’s registrations. Against all FIFA regulations, Tevez had effectively had his footballing soul purchased.

The rest is history. The controversial loan move to West Ham United from Brazilian club Corinthians, where he had been named player of the season. A difficult start in London, but then the goals which saved the Hammers from relegation in 2007. Remember all that? The last-gasp goal against Manchester United. Salvation. The furore when it was discovered West Ham didn’t actually own his registration.

Sheffield United tried to sue, the FA looked generally confused, FIFA made statements... and Manchester United quietly moved in for Tevez, while Mascherano sloped off to Liverpool... and eventually Barcelona.

Though successful with United, Tevez then made the shock move across the great divide to Manchester City amid further stormy headlines and, worse, angry frowns from Sir Alex Ferguson.

Why did he make the move? Simple. The poor bloke is still run by Joorabchian. He still gets a cut. When Tevez demanded a transfer over the summer – despite a fine season at Eastlands last season – what did we find? A certain Kia Joorabchian telling us: “Everybody is working to make this happen, me, Corinthians, Tevez and Adrian Ruocco (another of Tevez’s representatives). It is impossible to determine the situation, but I think it’s close.”

I didn’t happen of course. But given the week’s events, it might now. And that’s my defence of Tevez. Yes, he should be raring to play at every opportunity for a club that pays him all that money. But he claims there was a misunderstanding... and he’s got Kia Joorabchian plotting his every move.

A couple of weeks ago, after claiming Tevez wanted to be closer to his wife and family in Argentina, Joorabchian claimed he nearly pulled off a swap deal, with Wesley Sneider moving to City and Tevez to Inter Milan.

That didn’t happen either. But Joorabchian, explaining why Mrs Tevez and the kids might be happier in Milan than Manchester, insisted: “Carlos is the kind of player who adapts everywhere he goes. He adapts to every league and has won every major domestic competition he has ever played in. He himself has no problem with Manchester but, culturally, Milan or Spain would be easier for the wife to adapt to.”

Really? Or is this all about money. And the share of the transfer and wage negotiations which will go the way of Mr Joorabchian.

That shame of it is, Tevez is one of the finest talents to appear in the Premier League. But from where I sit, his career has been blighted by what amounts to being footballing slavery.

And for that reason, I find it hard to condemn the man.

Happy XMas To All From Manchester City's Roberto Mancini. Unless You're Mario Balotelli. Ho, Ho, Oh!

Ah, Christmas. A time for good cheer, peace to all men (and women, I guess), and the birth of the tiny baby Commercialism. And then along comes Scrooge, in the form of Manchester City’s Roberto Mancini.

Here’s his festive gift for City’s expensive Italian striker Mario Balotelli after a distinctly average display in Monday’s shock 2-1 defeat at the hands of Everton.

"If Mario deserves to play he will play. If he doesn't deserve to play he doesn't play. If Mario doesn't work, he doesn't play.

"It's not important Mario has a good technique and is a good player. If we want to improve we need everybody giving 200 per cent.

"Mario is a special player but you have to put strength and heart into your performances."

Poor old super Mario. He left Inter Milan under a bit of a cloud. His Ghanaian parents claim he was snatched away from them, given a new surname and now their beloved 20-year-old never contacts them. The San Siro fans gave him a right pelting. Italian fans resent their first black international. The £24m move to Eastlands was supposed to be his salvation.

Now, with Carlos Tevez apparently forgiving and forgetting his much-hyped transfer request, Balotelli finds himself armed on with a cushion as he heads for Newcastle’s St James’s Park on Boxing Day. A place on the bench is the best he can hope for.

But hold on. When Tevez was sulking and arguing with Mancini, it was Balotelli who took the strain. He’s got five goals in nine games so far. While Brazilian misfit Jo and former Arsenal striker Emmanuel Adebayor look anything but devoted to the cause, Balotelli has taken a red card and a lot of flak trying to keep Sheikh Mansour’s overpaid mercenaries up among the contenders.

Mancini, a scarf-wearing paragon of fashion who probably suggested the snood neck-warmer to his players when winter set in, adds: "Mario must improve his situation and smile. I do not know why he does not look happy. Manchester is not like Milan but he has to accept it."

Hold on, hold on. Does Milan have a Piccadilly Christmas Fair? A Spinningsfields Ice Rink? A fireworks display on New Year’s night? Hah!

What’s Mancini saying? He first came across Balotelli at Inter. Did he bring him to a barren British northern metropolis without deep thought? Snow joke you know. Mancini insists: "I do have a good relationship with Mario but he must play well, must work hard every day, like the other players."

So Patrick Vieira’s working hard is he? And Gareth Barry, James Milner, Wayne Bridge, Shaun Wright-Phillips? They’re all happy? Craig Bellamy decamped to Cardiff because he was ecstatic? Yaya Toure drove off at half-time during the defeat against Arsenal because he was loving every moment?

The expensively assembled glut of galacticos don’t click like clockwork, let’s face it. How about Tevez? Any sign of a word with the fans after his transfer request saga, Roberto?

Mancini mumbles: "I don't know. Maybe he should apologise. It is now important Carlos plays well and scores goals. But the fans still love him."

Ho, ho, ho Mr Mancini. The second half of Manchester City’s season will be a fascinating rollercoaster ride. And somehow, I can’t see the dapper little Italian surviving until the summer.

Who the hell is Neal Collins (nealcol on Twitter)? See www.nealcollins.co.uk. And a Merry Christmas to you all. Good night.

Carlos Tevez transfer request rocks high-flying Manchester City

WHAT a time for Carlos Tevez to declare he’s homesick and wants out of Manchester City. Just as Roberto Mancini’s overpaid mercenaries are making real impact on the Premier League at last, their top scorer slaps in a written transfer request.

City, who moved into second place above neighbours United with a 3-1 win over West Ham on Saturday, have rejected the notion of a move for their 10-goal Argentinian. The fans will be reeling. But then City supporters generally are these days.

For months they’ve had to put up with all the problems associated with going from struggling also-rans to Sheikh Mansoor’s well-oiled play-thing.

Getting rid of the popular Mark Hughes last season was just the beginning. Craig Bellamy and Steven Ireland felt they could stay no longer when Mansoor’s billions began to attract players from around the globe. Shaun Wright-Phillips and his dad Ian Wright constantly peck away at the club while talented winger Adam Johnson rarely gets a start. But the big name buys chosen by the Abu Dhabi sugardaddy continued to misbehave.

Former Barcelona midfielder Yaya Toure, the best-paid player in the Premier on £220,000-a-week, stormed off at half time during a torrid home defeat to Arsenal. Then there was Emmanuel Adebayore having an ugly spat with Vincent Kompany. Two weeks ago, we had pictures of a training ground bust-up between two not-quite Ghanaians, German international Jerome Boateng and Italy’s Mario Balotelli.

No explanations, nothing to settle the fans. All they got was Mancini, struggling to do better than Hughes, claiming all was well. Things would be fine he said. In the middle of it all, Sky’s Soccer AM programme were asked to travel up to the club’s training ground and film an episode of “cross bar challenge” where the entire squad attempts to hit the bar from the halfway line. Generally such challenges are jocular, with everyone having a good laugh and showing their so-called team spirit. That’s why City invited Soccer AM’s crew to their Platt Lane base.

When they got there, David Platt attempted to assemble the players. But the highly-paid foreign stars just wandered away, ignoring the assistant managers pleas to stay. Apparently they just ignored the former England star and drove off. In the end just seven of the 25-man squad did the Challenge. It was a shambles. Soccer AM never aired the footage.

But then came the long-overdue current run of success culminating in a crushing win over the doomed Hammers on Saturday. Suddenly, things were turning up roses for City. And so much of it revolves around Tevez, the man who opted to leave big brothers United with “welcome to Manchester” posters controversially greeting his move.

Tevez has always been a fascinating study in modern football. Brought up in Fuerte Apache, the toughest slum in Buenos Aires, he first came to European attention when he arrived at West Ham “on loan” with Javier Mascherano in 2006. The pair of them were apparently “owned” by Kia Joorabchian, and English-based Iranian and part of the Media Sports Investments portfolio of sporting stars. Apparently neither player owned their own names when they left Corinthians in Brazil.

Though he was never properly registered, Tevez scored the goals which kept the Hammers up, including the vital last-day winner against Manchester United in May 2007 – and promptly decamped to Old Trafford that summer. I’ve always wondered... who pocketed that £25m transfer fee? West Ham or MSI? Nobody seems to know.

Tevez scored 19 goals in 63 games and earned SirAlex Ferguson’s grudging admiration. Then it was off to City, where the money was even better. There he has scored a phenomenal 39 in 60 games, despite having to compete with a galaxy of expensive strikers who have come and gone. Robinho, Jo, Bellamy, Balotelli, Adebayor and the rest all failed to match the sharpness of the hard-working little Argentinian, who bears the scars of a childhood accident but refuses to have them surgically removed.

He’s no ordinary football mercenary. When the Terry Bridge handshake with John Terry never happened last season, it was Tevez of all people who squared up to the towering Terry, snarling and offering to take things outside. At 5ft 8in, he was going head-to-chest rather than head-to-head but the passion of the man is unquestioned.

Now, despite all the badge kissing and those vital goals for the Eastland’s light blues, the man slaps in a transfer request just as things were looking good for Mancini’s expensively assembled Blues.

But is it a shock? Hardly. Tevez and the cocksure Mancini were never a match made in heaven. They had a go at eachother when he was pulled off after scoring the only goal in City’s vital win over Bolton.

As a result, Tevez snubbed the club Christmas party. Suspended for the Hammers win on Saturday, he wants to go home for Christmas to see his two daughters, back home in Argentina after trouble with their mother, Vanessa. She left Britain after lurid reports involving Tevez and a woman called Marina Paesani (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1256132/Carlos-Tevez-shares-hotel-room-model-wife-nurses-premature-baby--days-accused-John-Terry-having-moral-code.html).

Tevez, currently on an estimated £100,000-a-week at City, will be hard-pressed to find another club willing to match his earnings. Certainly, if he’s homesick, he’ll have to take a major pay cut if he returns to Argentine domestic football. But the question is, does Tevez make his own decisions or is he still a slave to his agency? Time will tell.

Who the hell is Neal Collins (nealcol on twitter)? See www.nealcollins.co.uk. And watch SuperSport in South Africa on Monday night, where he'll be doing the build up to the Manchester United v Arsenal showdown.

Official statement from City: It is with disappointment that we confirm to our supporters that Carlos Tevez has submitted a written transfer request. The Club can also confirm that the request has been rejected.

The Club remains disappointed by this situation and particularly with the actions of Carlos' representative.

Roberto Mancini and all at the Club have shown, and will continue to show, sensitivity to Carlos' personal circumstances including the issue of his family being based overseas. Indeed following his suspension as a result of the game against Bolton, Carlos requested, and was given, special dispensation by the Manager to take leave overseas.

The written transfer request is in stark contrast to Carlos' stated position in both public and club contexts. Significantly, over recent months, the Club has also received numerous requests from Carlos’ representative to renegotiate and improve his playing contract as well as more recently a request to extend that contract by another year.

However, in line with the Club's policy of not negotiating playing contracts mid-season this has not been granted. Carlos' current five-year contract has three-and-a-half years to run and he is the highest paid player at the Manchester City Football Club.

This is both an unfortunate and unwelcome distraction and the Club will remain focused on the games ahead in what is turning out to be a very promising season. The door remains open for Carlos to be selected to play.