El Clasico, Eish Clasico and Alex Clasico: who's going to win what

IT’S that time of year for the football-speaking world as the end of season crowds gather. The reigning season.

Let me draw your attention to the big ones. The title-deciders I was asked to talk about on South Africa’s eNews channel this morning, with Mr William Lehong and his perfect suit. El Classico at the Nou Camp, the self-styled Eish Clasico in Soweto and the Sir Al Clasico in Manchester.

Let us for a moment skip past the Champions League semi-finals, difficult though that is. Real Madrid go to Bayern Munich tomorrow night in an attempt to stop the Germans, currently second to Dortmund in the Bundesliga, from engineering a home final in May.

On Wednesday, Barcelona are off to London, where Chelsea at Stamford Bridge may be a stumbling point. Unfortunately, the Blues are coming off the back of an excruciating 5-1 win over Spurs, with Drogba, Lampard, Ramirez and Malouda joining referee Martin Atkinson on the scoresheet in the FA Cup semi-final at Wembley. The Nou Camp could be disastrous for Roberto di Matteo.

Few would bet against an all-Spanish Champions League final, but for both the La Liga giants, Europe pales into insignificance on Saturday, when Jose Mourinho’s all-whites travel to the heart of Catlunia and the blue-and-red Nou Camp.

Has there ever been a bigger El Clasico? With Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi both breaking the all-time La Liga scoring record of the weekend – they’re locked on 41 each – the stage is set for something extraordinary.

I’ve spent most of today writing for The New Age about this extraordinarily odd couple. Modest, unassuming Messi, 24, with his growth hormones and crap hairstyle against flashy, sports car-crashing Ronaldo, 27.

And on the sidelines, the relatively sane Pep Guardiola versus the madness that is Jose Mourinho, who recently missed his 45^thpre-match press conference (the Spaniards count these things).

But before that little lot, we’ve got South Africa’s own title showdown: champions Orlando Pirates, holders of all the nation’s domestic trophies, against upstarts Moroka Swallows in Dobsonville.

Soweto’s oldest derby comes at an intriguing time. Eish. Gordon Igesund has turned the Dube Birds from relegation fodder into title contenders in just over a year. Peruvian caretaker Augusto Palacios has taken over from Brazilian Julio Leal with surprising aplomb in Orlando. A win over the Buccaneers, unlikely though it may seems, would put Swallows within a point of the lead.

With the ancient Siyabonga Nomvete, the SAPL’s top scorer, up against the bang-from-suspension Benni McCarthy, it’s not quite Messi v Ronaldo, but it’ll do for us!

And then, on May 30, the English showdown of note. Manchester United travel to Eastlands, Manchester City’s home at the Commonwealth Games Stadium.

After their glitch against Wigan, United bounced back with a 4-0 destruction of a pitiful Aston Villa on Sunday. Wayne Rooney, subbed and chastised against Wigan, scored twice. Ashley Young did one of his gold medal winning dives. Sir Alex chewed gum and admitted Young “might have overdone it”.

City meanwhile, are on a roll with Mario Balotelli suspended. Carlos Tevez, a footballing slave I have always defended, scored a hat-trick in their 6-1 win over Norwich. I guess the former United striker would love a couple more where they came from against Sir Alex.

Sir Alex said after the weekend’s fun and games: “We’ve got a nice healthy lead, but the derby is bound to have an impact on the the eventual winners.”

In Spain, the gap is four points. In South Africa, it’s the same. In England, it’s five.

These are the three big ones, El Clasico, Soweto’s oldest derby and the Manchester showdown. My picks? Real Madrid to get at last a point at the Nou Camp, Swallows to stun the Buccaneers, City to edge United at home. But the title winners? Jose Mourinho, Gordon Igesund… and, yet again, Sir Alex Ferguson.

You can follow me in www.thenewage.co.zaand on www.twitter.com/nealcol. But don’t be scared to leave a comment…

The Real Truth: Jose Mourinho will put up with the Catalan v Castilian hypocrisy for a while longer

“I am learning to be a hypocrite and I don’t want to be one.”

With that short phrase Jose Mourinho, the much-maligned coach of Porto, Chelsea, Inter Milan and Real Madrid, has restored sanity at the Bernebeu – whilst admitting he won’t be there for long.

The papers were full of Mourinho leaving the Madridistas after last week’s inglorious incident, above, which left Spanish football up in arms after Barcelona’s tempestuous Spanish Royal Cup triumph.

Mourinho moved quickly to quell reports of his imminent demise – but in the subtext of his official statement on the Real Madrid website lies the root of his unhappiness in a nation where Catalan and Castilian speakers live under the same flag while enthusiastically flying their own colours at sporting events.

It was the Special One’s spokesman Eladio Parames who first suggested Mourinho may leave after poking a finger in the eye of Barcelona assistant coach Tito Vilanova. With reports of a 12-match ban for that wayward digit being bandied around, Mourinho was clearly unhappy with a lack of support from the board at Real, who appear to find Jose’s passion undignified and slightly embarrassing.

Similar rumours surrounded his Champions League winning spell at Internazionale, where Italian journalists hounded the Portguese boss, who started his managerial career as Bobby Robson’s interpreter at Barcelona of all places, for being “over the top”.

In England, where he broke the 52-year Chelsea title drought but not London’s Champions League hunger strike, there were no such doubts. His wild-eyed passion was applauded, they miss him still. Many believe he may yet return, perhaps to Manchester United when Sir Alex Ferguson finally retires in 2057, or to Arsenal, where Arsene Wenger pronounced himself “drained” yesterday after seeing Samir Nasri join Manchester City just a week after Cesc Fabregas finally departed for, irony of ironies, Barcelona.

But yesterday, as his spokesman claimed his mobile phone had been hijacked, creating the furore around Jose's future, Mourinho assured Bernebeu fans in an open letter on www.realmadrid.com: "Only those who don't know me can dream, make up or believe I may leave Real Madrid at this stage…

"I believe many people were surprised by the quality football showcased by Real Madrid during the preseason and it would be surprising news to them if I left the club now. Impossible!

"I have a fantastic president who is very intelligent and with whom I have a great friendship. I also have a director general who works for the club 24 hours a day, so my motivation is enormous and my Madridismo is even greater than that of some pseudo-Madridistas…

"There is no way I'm leaving. No way!

"I also wish to apologise to Madridistas, and only to them, for my attitude in our last game. Some people are better adapted to the hypocrisy in football than I am, and they hide their faces and speak in whispers deep inside tunnels.

"I'm not learning to be a hypocrite, and I don't want to.

Best wishes to all. We'll see each other tomorrow at the Santiago Bernabéu Stadium."

Though the whiff of hypocrisy surrounds yesterday’s assertion of loyalty to Real, the pain of continual humiliation at the hands of Barcelona – and the diving, conniving, dramatic nature of such defeats against a Barca side steeped in chip-on-the-shoulder Catalunacy – does not sit easily with the Special One.

Mourinho may stay with Real for now. But one more frenzied Barca showdown may end his fragile affair with Spanish football.

See also http://neal-collins.blogspot.com/2011/05/real-truth-why-mourinho-and-ronaldo.html written on May 4 this year.

Why the Soweto giants should be able to match the passion of El Classico

ONE glance at this week’s fascinating El Classico and you know exactly where you want to see that level of competition, that win-at-all-costs mentality; a combustible derby that drives fans wild, Brazilians nuts... and forces special men like Jose Mourinho to stick his finger in Catalan eyes.

Bring it on at the next Soweto derby, I say. Quite possibly in the MTN8 final if Orlando Pirates see off Mamelodi Sundowns and Kaizer Chiefs outgun Ajax Cape Town over the two legs of the semi-finals kicking off this weekend.

When Barcelona edged Real Madrid 3-2 to win the Spanish Super Cup 5-4 on aggregate, the world looked on breathless. Scintillating football, two dynamite goals from the diminutive Lionel Messi, a red card for Marcello for scything down Cesc Fabregas on debut – all bathed in the implacable glow of hatred that erupts when two tribes go to war and football goes to Hollywood.

South Africa’s Premier League can offer exactly that. The parallels are all there. Just like La Liga, the local set-up offers only two real giants – trophy-grabbing Barcelona (Orlando Pirates) and frustrated also-rans Real Madrid (Kaizer Chiefs) with sides like Valencia (Ajax Cape Town), Villarreal (Mamelodi Sundowns) struggling to compete despite a lack of resources and, ultimately, a far smaller fan base.

Like Barcelona, Pirates are the people’s team, with a huge following and three trophies behind them, like Real Madrid, Kaizer Chiefs are the historical favourites who often appear to back by parastatal forces such is the desire for success – but despite vast spending they just can’t get one over on Pirates, as we saw at the recent Carling Black Label Cup Final, where Itumeleng Khune’s penalty gave the Buccaneers victory in a shoot-out.

If you brave the cold night air and gaze at the stars, legend has it you can still see Khune’s penalty orbiting the globe. Or so Irvin Khosa, the Piratical Iron Duke, would have us believe.

But come back to earth. Consider the further parallels between Spain’s La Liga and the Absa Premier. How about the third force? Those separatist Basques at Real Sociedad (Amazulu) and the isolated populist strongholds like Real Mallorca (Bloemfontein Celtic) and Zaragoza (Platinum Stars)... and the also rans in the big cities like Atletico Madrid (Moroka Swallows) and Getafe (Supersports United).

Essentially though, it is all about the two giants. They have the resources, the fan base, the sponsors, to push themselves way beyond the rest. Orlando Pirates and Kaizer Chiefs should be contenders for continental domination, they shouldn’t be skirmishing with the also-rans domestically.

With Benni McCarthy (an inflated version of Lionel Messi) back on home soil, the promise of an African Champions League becomes real if Bafana Bafana’s top scorer can just stay fit. Real Madrid fans (and Gary Bailey on Supersport) insist the same is true of Messi and Barca. One injury to the little one and all is lost.

Kaizer Chiefs, with Bernard Parker (a hard-working Cristiano Ronaldo) signed up and Lehlehonolo Majoro (a spikey-haired Kaka) urging them on, can look to the skills of custodian Itumeleng Khune (a superior Iker Casillas) to keep their challenge on line.

Oh, we can dream. Saturday, September 10. The MTN8 final. Forget the Spanish Super Cup, this one’s worth R8million to the winners.

Imagine Siphiwe Tshabalala opens the scoring for Chiefs with a 30-yard cracker reminiscent of his World Cup opening effort against Mexico just over a year ago.

Pirates respond with a flurry of horrific challenge before McCarthy, making his long-awaited first start for the Buccaneers, bending home a 25-yard free-kick with Khune confounded just before half-time.

On the sidelines, Amakhosi boss Vladimir Vermezovic reverts to his Russian roots and sticks his finger firmly in the eye of Bucsalona’s Brazilian boss Julio Leal. In the ensuing riot, Chiefs owner Kaizer Motuang, with General Manager Bobby and player-son Junior in attendance, bashes the Iron Duke with marketing manager and daughter Jessica’s handbag.

Somehow peace is restored. Early in the second half, the resurgent Josta Dladla gets on the end of a Bernard Parker cross to volley brilliantly past Moneeb Josephs, just minutes after being scythed down. Dladla celebrates with blood running down his shins and, amid incredible scenes, Tinashe Nengomasha is red carded for showing an elaborate v-sign to Irvin Khosa in the stands.

Josephs, furious, throws his gloves away and dons an outfielders shirt, determined to make his presence felt.

And Pirates hit back, with Isaac Chansa levelling to complete the Zambian’s comeback from a worrying ankle injury.

It’s all too much. Extra-time looms. And then it’s McCarthy, too fat for West Ham, not fit enough for WC2010, breaking through the middle, he beats too many Chiefs and not enough Indians, and rams the winner into the top corner. Cue pandemonium.

In the zebra stripes, substitutes Mthokozisi Yende and Thomas Sweswe are then sent off as a mass brawl erupts but the jubilant Pirates, looking ahead to an African Champions League victory, ignore the angry Amakhosi fans to dance their victory jig.

The skull and crossbones flies high. The world is tuned in to witness a truly astonishing clash between South Africa’s Sowetan soccer giants. The global audience is unanimous in agreement: what a derby, right up there with Real v Barca, Celtic v Rangers, Man U v Man C. Phew.

Ah, we can dream. In fluent Spanish.

MTN8 Semi-finals:

Saturday, 20 August 2011

Kaizer Chiefs vs. Ajax Cape Town 20h15 MTN05

FNB Stadium

Sunday, 21 August 2011

Orlando Pirates vs. Mamelodi Sundowns 15h00 MTN06

Orlando Stadium

Saturday, 27 August 2011

Ajax Cape Town vs Kaizer Chiefs 20h15 MTN07

Cape Town Stadium

Sunday, 28 August 2011

Mamelodi Sundowns vs. Orlando Pirates 15h00 MTN08

Loftus Versfeld.